This article is written by Olav Kjellevold Olsen, Associate Professor at the University of Bergen. He is a former military officer, and has a Msc in theology and a PhD in psychology. His focus is on leadership and cooperation in high-risk organizations and teams.
When I ask people what they treasure the most in life they usually – like me – put family, friends or children at the top of their list. This means that our relationship with family and friends is closely related to our sense of happiness and life-satisfaction.
In previous times, family relations were seen as private and of little relevance to work. However, psychology research has shown that problems in our private life have a strong tendency to spill over on how we do our job. Domestic problems may distract and frustrate us in ways that impair work performance and even cross over to our colleagues in a negative way. Studies also show that how we perceive the quality of life of our children and family members influence our intention to quit the job as well as our job-motivation. So, family matters – also at work.
An important question as sailors is therefore: How can we take care of our family and friends during months at sea? This may be difficult, but from research we know that it is doable. For example, a study from 2007 showed that 58 % of the wives of military men separated from their families for months due to work experienced that the separation actually strengthened their marriage.
So, what can a sailor do to maintain good relationships with family and friends during the time at sea?
- We know from research that families that have social support from other family members, neighbors and friends – not left on their own to deal with day to day challenges - are more robust in terms of dealing with problems and also separation. Thus, it is wise to put effort into establishing a strong social network around the family before leaving for sea.
- Be involved in the daily life of family and friends through routines of regular and frequent contact via social media and phone. For a sailing parent, this may increase positive parenting and relationships in sense of proximity and cooperation with the children. Here, it is wise to follow up on daily issues like specific homework from school, sports or other activities. In this you will be an integrated part of their working days.
- Be an active listener – try to understand what your family and friends are concerned or occupied with when you are away. Allow children or spouse to be open about how they feel about things – also the difficult stuff - and show interests and understanding. Remember to be patient. This can strengthen your relationship. As an example of this, a US study found that doctors that spent three extra minutes listening to their patients received far less lawsuits against them compared to others. To listen strengthens a relationship.
- Share your own feelings with your close ones. Invite them into your life. A risk of separation is mental distancing and subsequently a weakening relationship.
- Take care of your own mental health. Have people on board that you can talk to - also about things that are difficult and hard - and try to get enough sleep during the contract. If you are mentally fit, you are also better with people around you.
- Try to talk about difficult things with those back home in terms of solutions – not problems and blaming. In this way you will contribute to reducing the difficulties and strain on those home – and as such contribute to a positive cooperation.
- If you are a father, you should know that research find that boys under six years are particularly vulnerable to the separation from their fathers. To reduce this vulnerability, invest extra time with these children both before and during the time away.
Finally, focus on a positive homecoming. This means to focus not only on your own needs, but also on the others’. How are they? What do they need from you? See things from their perspective – and try to adapt.
